GNAP

Hmm I notice whenever I show the sad side of me, people go helter skelter.  Hey, if you’re a real friend, you’re supposed to stay with me for better or worse.    kidding lah.  not so serious.  But look at the comments section of all my posts.  The most recent post – sad one – everybody hilang, only the (nasty) ikan dare to swim.  The rest, no sound di.  Aiyar, aren’t u suppose to console me?

Plasma asked me to write something fun this time.  I tried.  But not easy I realise.  So, I’ll just write something funny about myself.  Today, we’ll talk about my self-esteem.  Yep, u heard right.  My self-esteem story.

The 1st time my grandma n aunts set eyes on me at the hospital, the day I was born, the 1st comment to my mom was, "Aiyer, so ugly.  U sure she’s not someone else’s baby swapped by mistake?!”  My poor mom.  She cried.  (today she’s laughing all the way to the bank lar.  Hahahah)

As I grew up, people called me “malai mooi” (malay girl) bcos I had dark skin (my kin all fair fair one), big eyes (well not really that big, but big for chinese stds) n straight teeth.  Strangers would say my dad must be malay, bcos those days usually chinese kids’d have moongchi (small) eyes n rotten teeth.  Actually, my dad looks malay.  Kehehehe.  My darling cool dad!

The above are pretty tame.  But check out some of my nicknames below:
Malaikai, as in “kampung chicken”, as in fatless lean-meat – jes bcos I kurus n hitam.
Fat-lip or pig(long)-mouth, my sis’ top fav name for me – jes cos, as the name says, I hv fat lips lar.
Gold fish eyes, this one I totally dunno why!
Ker-ling-phor as in indian woman, bcos I had kutu during primary school mixing only with indian kids.
Ma-lau-jing as in monkey king, bcos I was skinny n I climbed trees
Larm-yan-phor as in tomboy, bcos I was mat-bmx (now u hv mat-rempit), y’know it was very “in” then to pull the front wheel up n jes speed with the back wheel….

Guess which one affected me most negatively….  The 2nd one.  For years, I believe I had really ugly fat/long lips.  Every year, 1st day of school, I’d rush to be 1st to enter the classroom so I can get that seat right at the far back corner of the room, so no one can see my mouth/lips.  If I’m unlucky, ie someone else already got the backseats, gonelah… whole year I have to sit with my elbow on the desk and knuckles beside my mouth to cover it from others view.  I still have that habit today.  People probably don’t even notice, but if you’ve been told how ugly your mouth is every single day, from the moment u understand human language to the day you leave home to explore the world, u get very negatively self-conscious and the habit sticks with you for life.

Hey, this is no laughing matter.  When I came out to the working world, and people started calling me “lenglui” (pretty girl) or make compliments about any parts of me, I’d be so MAD!  I thought the whole world was mocking me.  Hence, ppl started to think I was plain stuck up – cos the more they try to say nice things, the more ticked off I get.  I walk into a shop and if the owner so much as mention the words “lenglui”, I’m gone I tell ya.  Oklah, in recent years, I’ve grown more receptive to compliments lar.  No longer imbalance ugly cuckoo case.  Maybe just a bit left. 

I will never understand why any family member would wanna make a child feel so bad about themselves.  Luckily, I have a really dotting loving dad who constantly tells me I’m smart and talented (in his eyes lar).  I have kids, and I have nephews and nieces.  In my eyes, they will always be beautiful in their own way.  And I will never call them ugly names.  Never.  Oklar, with exception of Mike’s “fang phi siao wang” (little farting king bcos he farts a lot) and David’s “nau kai tai wong” (manja king) – which btw they encourage me to call them one.  These are affectionate nicks, so no harm.  (er,… kuar). 

Warning: after reading this post, if any of u so much as joke abt this nicks at me, I’m still going to be angry.

Last 1 liner:  Beauty should not be skin deep lor.  Aiyah, who doesn’t know this right!

Guess I’m writing this post to warn u all, or even plead, NOT to call your kids, your relatives’ kids or your friends kids, ugly nick names.  It may affect them more than you realise.

From that moment I saw you, I knew I would never be the same again..

I know this is wrong, but since then, I just can’t stop thinking about you. Because of you, I saw the beauty in me that I never knew was there before. You made me see I can be much more than I have ever been all my life… all these years… but only if – you can be mine. Only you can make me feel this way. The warmth, the radiance I have not seen in me for a long while, and the sweetness that was never there before… Only you…. All the rest of them only bring out the paler me that I see in the mirror everyday…

Why do you have to come into my life now…?! I sometimes hate you – knowing that you were there but can never be mine… Fate is so cruel…

You. Yes, you. You beautiful violet chiffon dress at Le Nice, QB. So blardy expensive!!!

Just bcos your wife is a woman, does NOT mean she is super-human – who’s not afraid of pain, not afraid of death.  They say 99% of men are afraid to visit the dentist for fear of extraction or filling works that’d be painful.  Yet, nobody ever put much thought to the emotions and fears of a woman going to labour!
 
It is really nice to know that most men today, voluntarily opt to be there with their wives during the birthing process.  But, disheartening to know there are still some who’d shun from it, for reasons they’d rather not share.  Fear of blood?  Fear of seeing your wife in pain?  Well, shame on you!  You were there for the “fun”, so …. be there for the birth too!  It’s the most vulnerable time in a woman’s (in this case, your wife’s) entire life.  Before you decide to hate me, curse me, or write a post in your blog addressing me with condemning profanity, at least read on to find out why I’m begging you to be there for YOUR wife during the birth of YOUR child.
 
For a woman, the pain starts long before the birth….
 
She lived thru mthly tummy cramps n embarassing stains since puberty (menses la!).  The moment u start thinking of having a baby after you’re married, and hasn’t yet “struck” it, she blames herself eventhough it may very well be as much YOUR fault as it could be hers.  She is the first to voluntarily go for endless tests before you will even remotely admit it could be YOUR problem.  And then, when she does get pregnant, for months, she suffers nausea and obesity, conditions mostly beyond her control, but are just side-effects fr  the fact that she is carrying YOUR child.  Sometimes, if she is unlucky, and she bleeds during the course of gestation, she has to go for weekly jabs for a month or 2 – her bum swells and aches until she can’t sleep or even sit comfortably, but she goes for the wkly jabs no matter and bears the pain alone ……. and she never complains.  All that matters to her is that YOUR child inside her is safe and growing fine. 
 
And then, the due date comes nearer…  Just bcos she is a woman, it does NOT mean she will be fearless going into labour.  If you are afraid to go for even a darned cavity filling at the dentist’, can you even  imagine what it’s like to have to go into an operation room, completely naked in front of a truck-load of hosp staff/docs/trainees (tell me abt “exposure”!), “shaved” (yes, shaved!) in preparation for the “slaughter” in case complications arise?  The hospital staff go about their routine duties, without emotion, sticking all kinds of needles and tubes into her.  Pain or no pain, they don’t care!  They just stick it in – the vein at the back of her hand, her spine, …and excuse me for mentioning this… uretha.  And she just let’s them do whatever needed to be done, just so YOUR child will be delivered the best and safest way.  Natural or C-section, different kind of pains, but PAIN inavoidable.  (I’d know, cos I went thru both).  And in life, anything can happen.  Sometimes, there’d been cases, due to unforeseen complications, the woman dies during childbirth.  But luckily, most survive after the tear-n-stitch, or cut-n-stitch.  The pain goes away after a few wks, or for some, ..months.
 
So, I hope you can see now that, the least you can do is ….  BE THERE.
 
I remember during the birth of my 1st child, after going thru hours of labour pain trying to push the baby out… In the end, the doc concluded my baby’s head was a bit too big, n my hips a bit too small (despite me being really FAT! Haha) – painful/dangerous combination!!  ….the baby was in distress trying to get out and we had to go for emergency c-section (the slaughter!).  The doc immediately asked my hubby to leave the room.  Unlike a natural birth, or elective C-section, where husbands are allowed in; for emergency c-section, u go straight into the ops theatre, w/o even a chance to speak to the husband (emergency mar!).  I remember the only thing in my mind before going into unconsciousness under general-anesthesia was… “God, pls help my baby make it.  T, I don’t want to disappoint you. And my dearest baby, I love you so very much – I really do." ……….. The 1st thing I said when I came to, in the operations room, was, "Is my baby safe?" and, "Has my husband seen the baby?”  I couldn’t even yet see who was standing over me, just shadows in blurred vision. And I couldn’t feel any of my limbs, let alone move them (or I’d be running to the baby’s ward). Someone replied, “Yes, your baby is perfect, and your husband is very happy.  Now, you rest well, and don’t worry.”  I can only be aware it was a man’s voice.  It could have been God or an Angel, or simply one of them kaki-tangan hospital. 
 
So please… BE THERE for your wife and child, if not for yourself. It’s a moment both special and critical, you won’t want to miss.  Your father couldn’t be there bcos they didn’t allow it in the old days, but YOU can. Good luck. 

My MIL is here for a week.  She brought with her gifts from my SIL who jes recently visited China.  The gifts are crystal bracelets.  1 for me, 1 for T.  I wasn’t that averse to the idea until she mentioned – they are also for “phik cheh” (halau benda kotor / keeps the bad spirits away).  Pengsan!  As a good christian, I should jes decline the gift straight off.  But, it seemed rude to do so, and if u know me, u’ll know that sometimes, I’m obliging to a BIG fault.  I wrapped them up and put it in a far corner of my drawers. 

Next morning, horror of horrors!  – I saw T wearing his!  You probably think I’m over-reacting or being silly, but man + jewellery, to me, jes look like a pimp lar.  So man plus “phik cheh” jewellery?  What else… superstitious pimp.  Seeing this, for me, is tantamount to seeing a croakcroach or centipede – my spine freezes. 

Sigh… what can I say…  after so many years of marriage, when you’re supposed to “renew attractions” with each other, you suddenly find your significant other WEARING BRACELETS! 

So…. I made it crystal clear that I “beh tahan” the sight of him with that thing on his wrist, which of course he had no qualms ignoring.  You see, to him, mom is always right – I usually have no objections to that (hey, I’m a mom too.. ).  And then, guess what happens, that nite, he started to feel sick.  Feverish, and most suspiciously, a day-long spate of hiccups that doesn’t seem to be going away.  I went in for the kill.  “U c, u c…  this kind of thing cannot simply wear one.  If bor ngam u, funny things start to happen.”  See – I have to speak this language sometimes. Talk like auntie so that uncle listens.

“OK, why not u try taking it off for a nite and see what happens.”  Silently, I prayed… “God, your turn now!”  And halelujah!  In less than an hour, his hiccup stops, and he felt a lot better.  The cheeky side of me challenged – “Now, wanna wear back that thingy and see what happens?”  One eyebrow (mine) blatantly raised.  He din say anything. 

So, T, if you still read my blogs, and you’re reading this… please… don’t… wear that thing…ever again!